Sibu

I have never personally been divorced, but I know what it feels like to have a relationship end when you have already made plans for a future together.

In 2016, I broke off an engagement with a man I genuinely believed I was ready to build a life with. Lobola was paid on a Saturday, and I ended the relationship on Sunday, yes, the very next day. I will not go into the details of what led to the breakup. What I want to focus on is how the experience affected my life and, perhaps more importantly, how it affected my child.

At the time, I was prepared to leave Johannesburg and move to another province to start a new life with the man I believed was my soulmate and the father of my child. By December 2016 and into January 2017, I had already begun preparing for this new chapter. I had sold my furniture, moved out of my place in Johannesburg, and was ready to leave everything behind.

But things did not turn out the way I had imagined.

Instead of beginning the new life I had planned, I found myself moving into a two-bedroom townhouse with my brother. I also took up employment at a company that would eventually lead me into a deep depression and, unknowingly, almost draw me into a cult.

While I was trying to make sense of my own life and rebuild it from the ground up, my child was experiencing her own heartbreak. She was in Grade 1 at the time and did not fully understand why the life she thought she was going to have had suddenly changed. She became confused and started acting out. I had to help her navigate her emotions and pick up the pieces of her broken heart while simultaneously trying to pick up the pieces of my own.

That experience taught me that when a relationship ends, the effects often reach far beyond the two people who were involved. The emotional aftermath can affect children, families, friendships, finances, careers and even the way we see ourselves.

In this article, however, I particularly want to talk about the effects of divorce and relationship breakups on men.

We rarely talk about men and how they cope with heartbreak because many men do not openly speak about what they are going through. Instead, their pain may show itself in other ways. Some may lash out, withdraw emotionally or turn to alcohol and other unhealthy coping mechanisms. Others may enter into a series of sexual or romantic relationships, moving from one woman to the next in an attempt to restore their confidence or sense of masculinity, particularly when the divorce or breakup was initiated by the woman.

But beneath these behaviours, there can be a man who is grieving the loss of a relationship, a family, a future he had imagined, or even the version of himself he believed he was going to become.

And perhaps that is where we need to start the conversation: not by excusing unhealthy behaviour, but by acknowledging that men can hurt too.

Part of my job involves counselling, and I have had many counselling sessions with men who have gone through divorce. Across different nationalities and races, they all dealt with divorce differently. However, I noticed that a man’s response was often influenced by how long he had been married.

Men who had been married for more than a decade often struggled with a loss of identity because being a husband, a provider, and a father had become central to how they defined their existence. These were the men who often vowed never to marry again because they had not only lost a part of their personal identity, but had also often lost physical and financial assets.

To protect their children and ensure that their lives were not disrupted, many of these men were forced to move out of their matrimonial homes, places filled with years of memories, into smaller, colder, emptier apartments, or even a back room in the township. This major change often resulted in resentment, and sometimes even hatred, towards their ex-spouses.

The experience varied across different age groups. Men in their late 40s or mid-50s were often more confused and angry. Some even became vengeful because the loss was so great, and they had no idea how to rebuild their lives. In fact, some could not even see the possibility of rebuilding. Marriage became synonymous with a scam or even a trap for them.

Men in their mid-40s and late 30s seemed to have somewhat more hope. However, their view of what marriage is, or what it is supposed to be, had completely changed. They date cautiously and often look for flaws that remind them of their ex. This often led them to withdraw from a relationship almost immediately.

One commonality among these men was their deep mistrust of women. Their guard remained up when it came to women, and they often unintentionally compared the actions of their current partners with those of their ex-wives. They became easily triggered by ordinary human behaviours because they associated every negative behaviour with their past experiences.

This often left the new partner feeling hesitant and as though she had to walk on eggshells. Even worse, she may find herself having to constantly prove that she is nothing like his ex-wife.

Women who enter relationships with divorced men can therefore find themselves in a continuous cycle of auditioning and working hard to earn the affection and trust of their divorced partner. Divorced men do not necessarily intend to punish their current partners, but their thought patterns and unresolved experiences can reshape how they view love, commitment, and relationships in general.

For some of these men, giving less and investing less, emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially, becomes a way of protecting themselves from the heartbreak and loss they experienced during the divorce. They begin to categorise all women as being the same and assume that women are eventually going to hurt them or take something from them.

They give just enough to keep the woman around, but not enough to fully commit. Eventually, the relationship ends because the woman becomes emotionally exhausted and moves on. Ironically, this can then validate the man’s belief that all women are the same, that they come and go.

The cycle of moving from one relationship to another within short intervals can then become a pattern for the divorced man.

Introspection, counselling, healing, and learning how to start over can be extremely difficult for men. Without confronting the pain, rebuilding their identity, and learning to trust again, the cycle can continue.

I will address more of these effects in future articles, based on real experiences.

Stay blessed and go for counselling!