Sibu

“To the ego, love is a crime. it seeks to convince us that forgiveness is a dangerous position that entails an unfair sacrifice on our part. The ego claims that forgiveness can lead us into situations where we become someone’s doormat. To the ego, love is a weakness. To the Holy Spirit, love is strength” 

Marianne Williamson – Return to love

Forgiving someone can be difficult and not feel good because our ego often puts us in a conflicting position. Instead of forgiving, the ego would rather convince us to seek revenge. This “eye for an eye” mentality can ultimately leave both parties more wounded. While seeking revenge may feel satisfying momentarily, it often leads to a cycle of retaliation. For those who believe in karma, this cycle means that as the victim, you may continue to be stuck in this karmic cycle. 

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap”. 

Galatians 6: 7 

This principle also applies to forgiveness. Believe me, I know it sounds easier said than done.

When I was 19 years old, I was violated by someone I trusted. The person was immensely powerful and influential. I dealt with the situation by simply not acknowledging that I was violated in any way. In that way, I was able to just walk away and bury the trauma for over a decade. Ten years later, I met someone who went through a similar experience as myself and I was triggered. The traumatic experience resurfaced in every possible way. What made my situation worse was that the perpetrator never apologized to me. They disappeared without a word, and I never heard from them again.

I can understand how frustrating and hurtful it must be to discover that the person who wronged you is thriving and seemingly unaffected by their sins. It’s completely natural to feel angry and hurt by the lack of justice, especially after such a long period. That was my sad case after searching for the person online. I found them, and they were thriving.

But that is not what I want us to focus on today. I want us to focus on the question, “Why do I need to forgive?” The benefits of forgiveness have been discussed by many people on various platforms, so these ideas may not be new to you. Forgiveness is intended to set you free because you are the prisoner, and you are the one suffering.

In my story, I made it clear that I refused to acknowledge the violation I experienced. I didn’t even name the incident. It’s crucial to recognize and name what has happened to you. What crime was committed against you? This is important because many of us carry grudges that aren’t ours to bear. Most of us are demanding apologies that are not due to us. For example, I understand that witnessing your father’s abuse of your mother had a significant impact on you. It’s important to acknowledge that while your father may apologize for the effect on you, the true victim in this situation is your mother.

The basic process of forgiving someone

Identifying Your Wound

To start the journey of forgiveness, you need to be able to clearly identify your wound. Imagine pointing at a scar on your body and saying, “I got stabbed with a knife here.” This concrete acknowledgement is crucial. Whether your boyfriend betrayed you by having sex with your best friend, or your family constantly demeaned you because you had the darkest skin, recognizing and articulating your specific hurt is the first step. If you find yourself struggling to put into words what exactly happened to you, it might indicate the need for deeper self-introspection or even counselling. Professional help can assist you in digging deeper to confront and understand your pain.

How Has This Incident Changed You?

Now that you can pinpoint your wound and say, “This is what happened to me,” it’s time to ask yourself, “How has this incident changed me?” Reflect deeply on the person you were before the traumatic event and compare it to who you are now. For instance, imagine someone who was raped: before the assault, she loved hiking, but now she’s too fearful to hike. She once enjoyed physical intimacy but now despises being touched. Her wardrobe has changed from comfortable, expressive clothing to attire that covers her entire body. This transformation speaks volumes about the profound impact of her trauma.

Assessing Your Losses

Think about what you have lost as a result of what happened to you. The losses may be multifaceted, impacting your sense of safety, trust in others, or even your love for activities you once enjoyed. Perhaps you’ve lost friends, relationships, or opportunities because you became more withdrawn or aggressive. Maybe your sense of self-worth has plummeted, leading to self-destructive behaviours such as substance abuse or risky actions. These losses are significant and acknowledging them is essential for your healing process.

The Scenario of Trauma

Let’s delve into a specific scenario for clarity. Consider a person who was raped. Before this traumatic event, she might have been someone who loved hiking, relishing the freedom and connection with nature. After the rape, fear might grip her too tightly to step onto a trail again. She might have enjoyed physical intimacy and had a healthy relationship with her body, but post-trauma, the very thought of being touched could repulse her. This shift could lead her to change how she dresses, opting for clothes that cover her entire body to avoid unwanted attention.

Her trauma might also push her towards substance abuse, seeking solace in drugs or alcohol because sleep eludes her. The trauma might have resulted in contracting a sexually transmitted disease or HIV, which could spiral into a desire to spread the pain she feels, believing it’s the only way to cope.

Understanding the Depth of Change

These changes highlight how profoundly trauma can alter your life. By reflecting on these aspects, you can better understand the depth of your pain and the necessity of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t about excusing the wrong done to you or forgetting it happened; it’s about freeing yourself from the hold the incident has over you. It’s about reclaiming your life and starting the journey towards healing and rebuilding. Recognizing how the incident has changed you is the first step towards deciding to forgive, for your own peace and well-being.

Stay blessed!